The Shack That We Built
It's a cute lil shack though... isn't it?
In August of last year I decided to make a step in my life and my relationship. The Elephant and I embarked upon a territory that neither of us had ever dared to venture to before. We decided to shack up. According to the quick online dictionary I referenced this term is defined as follows:
shack up Slang
2. To live, room, or stay at a place:
When I was growing up my mother instilled in me at a very early age that you are not to live with a man without being married to him. It is wrong in the eyes of the Lord and should not be done. But maturity and rude awakenings over the years showed me that this was one of the rules that society believed could be broken and the Lord wouldn’t be too mad. I have noticed in my generation it has become acceptable to shack up. It is just a matter of preference whether or not you decide to do it for whatever reason. In your mid to late 20′s if you are living with your significant other it is not really frowned upon…. at all. It’s just part of the territory in your growing relationship. Maybe that goes along with that whole marriage is obsolete argument, which I DON’T believe, but I digress. Since I have moved in with my significant other things have been grand. It has shown me more that this is not only my man but truly my best friend. It has helped us to grow and taught us a lot about one another. Ultimately I believe it is showing us that juuuust maybe we can do this forever.
Needless to say there are many outside opinions about this living arrangement. Both of our families have had things to say about our arrangement as well as our friends. A few weeks ago my mother decided to really tell me what she thought about the situation.
Mom: Daughter I would like to talk to you about something that has been on my mind and heart.
Me: Okay mom. Is everything okay?
Mom: Yeah this has just been bothering me. When are you and *insert boyfriend’s name* going to get married? I don’t want you to get complacent in this situation.
Me: Mom, neither of us are complacent and we just want to take our time that’s all. We discuss marriage all the time but I’ve only been back from Korea for a year so we are just taking our time.
Mom: Okay well you know I didn’t raise you to be shacking up. I love you and *insert boyfriend’s name* but I just don’t want you to be in this same situation 7 years from now.
Me: *spits out drink* Mom, with all due respect there’s no way in hell that shit is happening. I do have limits and like I said *insert boyfriend’s name* and I have somewhat of a timeline that we agree on so no worries…. okay?
Mom: Okay.
This conversation moved on into more intimate detail about my plans with my man just to ease my mom’s fear of her daughter living in unmarried bliss for the rest of her life. I told Best Bup about this convo and she laughed and just attributed this to my mom just being her loving worrier self. She then went on to say that she has to live with her future husband before they get married. She has been saying this for as long as I can remember and says it with a lot of conviction. I used to say that I would never shack up in response to her. Now look at me. SMH…. and I am loving every moment of it.
Bups what are your thoughts about shacking up?
I personally believe there is no issue of shacking up. Do you. I think its makes financial sense especially if the aim is to work towards marriage. (Really now, how else we going to save to get the DCBup the 4 Carats she deserves.
)
Considering that the divorce rate is so high nowadays, I think you need to cross off as many things before “putting it on paper” as possible. I mean…I’m obviously willing to work hard for my relationship considering that I will have been over here in Korea for 2 years (by the time I go back to America) and I have stayed with my boyfriend the whole time, but with people our age it’s usually the idea that if we aren’t in the same place currently then it’s not meant to be.
I lived with him before coming over and we really had no problems. Any problems that did arise were ones that would have come up if we didn’t live together.
DC Bup: That’s another point I brought up to my mom, the financial aspect. It is very beneficial for both of us financially and is preparing us to make that ultimate commitment.
When I was in college, I believed that I would live with a guy before marrying. Now that I’m a little older, and have seen former work colleagues in their 40s who wasted their best years living with men that never married them, shacking up would definitely not work for me. You should do what works for you, but personally, I believe that giving men all of the benefits of marriage first gives them less incentive to put a ring on it.
Hit the submit button a little too early…
If anyone wants the perfect illustration of the dangers of shacking up, they should check out “House of Glam” on Oxygen. Brandi’s been with that man forever, has two kids with him, and that a-hole is running around bragging about being the “king” to his friends because he gets to have his cake and eat it too.
Call me old fashioned but I wouldn’t do it. There is no incentive for him if you are already giving him the benefits. Besides God forbid you two breakup; how will you divide your assets? At least with marriage, you are legally protected. I wish you the best though. Stick with that timeline.
Those relationships have the higher rate of failure but I’ve “shacked up” for about 3 years. I didn’t mind it, personally I didn’t want to get married then. Now, I wouldn’t do it unless it was for financial reasons.
I’m all for it! My wife and I shacked up and it truly allowed us to get to know each other before going down that ETERNAL road of marriage. In today’s word, people are crazy and you really need to get to know them before deciding to spend the rest of your life with them.
As far as saying giving men the benefits and taking away the incentive, idk. If it’s the right guy, his motivation in shacking up will be a trial version of marriage. Personally, I would never live with a woman that I had no intention of marrying, if it didn’t work out while living together and we decided to part way, so be it, but the intention was always a “try before you buy” mentality. But that’s just me, I can’t speak for the other knuckle heads out here.
Women are not the easiest creatures to live with, so I place less value on the whole “cow/free milk” thing…but what I like that you said was that yall have discussed a timeline. (Ok, what I REALLY liked was the financial aspect! Smart.
) Seriously, it sounds like you two are on the marriage track, and that would personally be my motivation to shack it up. You probably already know his character intimately and now you’ll get to know his daily nuances and whether you can LIVE with them forever and ever (and ever). Good luck!
I could shake up-for a little while. I just know that for my sake I’ll never be the type of person that’s with someone for numerous years without marriage in sight. It just doesn’t seem to work well for the female. Like my mama said, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” If things got serious enough, we could do a test run for a year-TOPS. but two,three, four years or more and no REAL committment? Nah bruh.
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