Posts Tagged ‘Complaining Men’
PLAYED: A Weekly Series on HEARTBREAK. February is suppose to be the month for love and shyt. But you can’t have love with out some life lessons. So just to break up the monotony of cupids, chocolates, sex, misery, etc. Us Bups bring you a series on getting “played”. Perhaps our stories will drive you to your true love.
I am not a relationship guru. I leave that up to Dr. J. I just share my experiences and what I learn from them to keep it moving, ya know?
A while ago, I got my HEART BROKEN. Yep. OOH I GOT PLAAAYED! SMH. I like to laugh even at myself, and I can now. I am super over it. I am glad that GOD gives me the best bounce back bone ever. I mean fa real, I do not wallow in sorrow.
So this dude, who was 14 years older than me, emotionally drained me. I somehow ended up being a rebound when I didn’t sign up for it. He fell short in a lot of areas particularly money, ex-wife relationship, and true personality. Nonetheless, I somehow ended up enthralled with him.
Thankfully, I have awesome people around me. I have a male homie, who has the best emotional intelligence ever. In telling him about my heart break, he said something so powerful, truly the turning point in me getting over the OLD DIRTY BASTARD. He said “Me and you, we are power sources. People who don’t have power and control are drawn to us. And they have the ability to drain that energy from us.”
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, we get hurt and we like to finger point. While “ODB” is one of the most disturbed people (mentally, in life, etc) I know, I cannot play victim. I agreed to be a party in this situation. I chose to engage with him.
Here are some of the lessons I walked away with in this situation.
- Lesson 1 Do you like him OR do you like the idea of him? I look back, and it was totally the idea of him. The prestige, the things he was involved in. BUT all of those things where not him. He was corny, tried too hard, had big emotional issues, and a complainer. He used to BITCH and wallow. Those attributes are so not me. In fact, one of the biggest turn offs. It was the IDEA of him and not the person in front of me.
- Lesson 2 Never take yourself off the Market! NEVER until you and your partner have the “we agree to be monogamous and here is what monogamous means to us” TALK. Male buppies, you got this. You can skip this part. You all know how to date. Female bups, some of us including me need to get better with this. So often we get wrapped up in talking to one dude, and giving him our all or too much of ourselves when that is not the defined relationship. “ODB” asked me to be his Girl Friend one night. We didn’t walk away with an agreement on that, but for some reason although I said it wasnt the right time, I started playing the role. He ain’t refuse it either. Then boom he hits me one day with the, “I just want to be single and date” move. Anyway, KEEP you a bench. (blog coming soon)
- Lesson 3 Chemistry, if it aint right…IT AINT RIGHT He was OLDER and physically I was NOT initially attracted to him. Even now I reflect, and I shake my head at myself. This is something that must of been apparent because one day, towards the end of the “relationship” ODB shared a comment. “We don’t have physical chemistry”. And he was right. He just aint do it for me.
Overall he did drain me, and tried to even more after the fact by calling me his “friend”. But I had to cut it off. I had to move forward and I had to get back to creating my own power and energy. There was no need to carry baggage or regret from this heart break. ODB was harboring so much from his past, that it crippled him. Now I am way better off! I am way more congizant of myself and vigilant of the energy drainers. I took the experience for what is was and I left it in past.
This week was tragic for me maaan.
TRAGIC.
To get to the point, since it is now Friday, I had a VICIOUS ALLERGIC REACTION. I have no clue what the hell I am allergic to.
Anyway, in the hustle and bustle of things, it came time to utilize my health insurance.
AWW YES!! You know, that thingy our corporate jobs provide us. (Actually they deduct an amount each pay period and give us some credits towards it, but rarely pay for the entire thing.) That thing which many single bups do not pay too much attention to…. until Shyt happens.
Well shyt happened. And I the DCBuppie had to make some life decisions in the midst of my situation.
It made me realize how trained I am to reduce cost in the case shyt happens. This is probably something I learned from my parents, whose first step in all “shyt happens” scenarios was to rub some tussin in it and tell me to go take a shyt.
I digress. Back to the story.
First, I had symptoms and I ignored it. Sunday one eye was clearly swollen. But I just blamed it on the lack of sleep, or a cosmetic malfunction. Of course I am walking ’round looking like
But I had shyt to do. I thought I could solve this by poppin my good ole Benadryl.
So that is what I did.
Only to wake up Monday morning, in full panic mode, when both my eyes are swollen, and the only way I could now see is if my head was fully erect and my eyeballs peered over my lower lid.
I looked completely unrecognizable. COMPLETELY.
Holding my blackberry over my head, I called my Sister, a RN. Aw yes. Free medical advice.
She said: “Yea, you should call an ambulance and go to the emergency room.”
and you know what popped in my head ?? $$$$$
Aint that about a bitch? Isn’t this ironic?
You see , I being a mid 20 bup, opted for the cheapest coverage, to maximize my DOLLARS in my pocket. I mean given my youthfulness this made sense. And in doing so, I can remember that an ambulance would incur some heavy montary damage.
So I stagger around my condo, head up of course to find my laptop.
Google my health provider….. Sign IN……Check “IN NETWORK”. (Cus if it aint IN NETWORK, then I got to come out all my pockets.) SEARCH URGENT CARE , cus I figured it would cost less.
I found one within the city. Hopped in my whip, some how managed to park and walk into urgent care.
I walk in, and am asked, “How can we help you.?”
WTF face. I know this BITCH sees my face.
SO while, I want to say: “BITCH my face blew up. Can you hurry the fcuk up!?”
I say , I need help. I am having an allergic reaction.
“Can I have your insurance card.”
WTF FACE x2
She goes into her systems verifies my coverage, all before saying yes she can help me.
Once this is all cleared, she handed me 300 sheets of the same fucking form asking me the same questions. Name,DOB, Aliments, etc. Luckily within 10 minutes I see a Doctor. AND in 20 minutes I was given a steroid shot and 2 prescriptions.
As I laid on the bed waiting my prescriptions, I couldn’t help but think:
WHY da fuck am I putting myself through this ?! I mean really now??
When shyt goes down, don’t we pay for smooth shyt?
I could not help but wonder, If I inconvenienced myself with this “cheaper” insurance OR if the entire insurance scheme impounded my situation?
Anyway, my face is getting back to normal. Ah just in time for 2011 Benefits selection!
This time I am going to opt for one with ambulance included. No need yall, I am SHAKING MY DAMN HEAD at my damn self!
Welcome to another edition of Buppie Fridaze! This is Final part 3 part series to Rent Free BF our responses to this ASK THE BUPPIE. Spread the word.
Dear Buppie,
I have a girlfriend and have been with her for two years. She has been out of work for the last few months, so I let her move in with me. Two months ago, she got job. I’ve been carrying the load of the rent and we had agreed that our next step would be to move in together. I brought this up last week, and she made it seem like she is planning to move to her own spot. I’m cool with that, but she is saving for a deposit, while I foot the bill. Am I wrong for wanting her to contribute? How do I ask?-Rent Free BF
In relationships we may have useless arguments but this one is worth having.Your predicament makes me think, Can we truly be with someone, LOVE or deeply Like them and they be completely and utterly broke?
Most Men will say yes. Women will do their best to utter a yes, but will begin to twitch uncontrollably.
But I am going to keep it real and say No. HAYLE NO. Love her a$$ like you do, this is a serious barrier to moving forward in a partnership. Come the first of the month, Imma need you to tell her to put something on this RENT! Tell her to pay the EFF up.
Times can get tough. I am glad you were a MAN about your shyt, and held her down. But she failed to be a Woman about hers and do the same. Now what? The relationship has reached a point where it is no longer balanced. Someone feels took. Someone got GOT.
Here is my Sincerity Test. Cus Rent or no Rent, we got to see if this girl just made a mistake OR is truly gaming your ass. DO exactly as I instruct.
First, take her to the mall. Consistently, point out shyt you like but can’t get due to the Rent. Now, if she gets it for you within the pay period, the good news buddy …is she genuinely cares.
When she gives you what you want from the mall, tell her how much you appreciate her consideration. And in this loving convo, change the subject to moving in together.Tell her the truth about how your time together has shown you guys could do it, and it would be economical for both. Which is true.
Here is were she got to woMAN up. Tell the truth. Keep it 100 with you.
Her response will tell you why she does not want to move in. She may say, I just got this job and I need space. Cool. You put on your confused face, Look a little heart broken. But say the typical
“I understand. Over these few months when you did not have a job, I put forth a lot thinking and I wanted to make sure you got to a place that was comfortable. For example taking care of the rent.You mentioned you saved for a deposit. I am a little under, so once you get comfortable in your new place, do you think you could help me recover for my deposit/rent/savings?”
If she act any type of crazy about this….She…not what we thought. All we are asking is for her to return the favor. Be there like you were for her. We have removed all obstacles as well. No real reason for her to say no. (Other than selfish)
Option B:
She won’t pay up. She don’t even blink at your struggles in the mall.
Look in the mirror? Is this the woman you want to be with?
Then, See Dr. J’s or Upcoming’s direct methods. …
Quick message from Me, DCBuppie. Welcome to another edition of Buppie Fridaze! This is Part 1 to this 3-part series of our responses to this ASK THE BUPPIE. Ask us something today!
Dear Buppie,
I have a girlfriend and have been with her for two years. She has been out of work for the last few months, so I let her move in with me. Two months ago, she got job. I’ve been carrying the load of the rent and we had agreed that our next step would be to move in together. I brought this up last week, and she made it seem like she is planning to move to her own spot. I’m cool with that, but she is saving for a deposit, while I foot the bill. Am I wrong for wanting her to contribute? How do I ask?-Rent Free BF
Dr. J’s POVThis is very easy, on the first of the month when rent is due, you say, “Rent is due, will you be writing me a check or transferring the money in my account?” If she says, I’m saving for my deposit, you say, “We need to discuss the past few months’ rent and what we will do going forward.”
You should have never let her get away with staying for free. You should have agreed that she didn’t have to pay rent now, but when she got on her feet she could pay you back for the past months. Once she got back on her feet, if you were in a financial position to afford to forgive the debt, then you would have the option of doing so. Some women will take a handout, men will too. But there’s no reason for a woman to think that just because you were staying alone and already paying the rent, she can move in with you and not pay half of the rent, or at least a significant portion.
Here’s where your girlfriend went “balls to the wall” and disrespected you; when she thought it was cool to stay in a place for free while saving for her own place. Unless you are her parents, you should have blown the whistle and thrown a flag. I’m sorry bro-man, but you just got hit with the age old classic, “Your money is our money, my money is my money.” You can’t allow that unless you got it like that, which it’s obvious that you don’t because you brought it up. And even if you’re just mad at the way she’s going about it, that’s a serious sign in your relationship.
Be prepared for this discussion though… “After living with you for a few months, I’ve realized that we aren’t ready to live together.” Reason being, it makes no sense to move out, if she wants to stay. She may have already made the decision that she doesn’t even want to be with you anymore and is riding it until the wheels fall off. Either way, you’re being used. Hopefully, you’re not the kind of chap who has been asked several times if you were comfortable and you just avoid the conversation, because then you really brought this all on yourself. If that’s the case, write us back. In any case, good luck.
(On the low, if she starts paying you rent, but gets frustrated. Use her rent money to buy yourself lavish gifts like BBCs or the new Gucci loafers for the summer.)
Cheers,
Dr. J
Follow Dr. J on Twitter @drjayjack
So a few weeks back my Significant Other (S.O.) and I were having a conversation. Here it is:
S.O. : You think you’re slick?
Me: What?
S.O. : You left your toothbrush and loofah here.
Me: Yeah I know! I realized that when I got home. I didn’t mean to leave either one. Actually I am a little salty I left my travel toothbrush there.
S.O. : Whatever! You think you’re slick tryin to mark your territory!
Me: Ummmm NO. I left both items completely by accident.
S.O. : *laughing* It’s okay babe your stuff will be right where you left it.
After this conversation I spoke with my brother about the matter. He quickly responded yall girls kill me with that sh*t! He said his girlfriend does it all the time and joked about how he thinks she actually strategically places her stuff around his room and house. I responded, well she is there a lot. Perhaps she just feels the need to have stuff there for her convenience. He retorted, “What difference does it make? It is MY HOUSE and I don’t just want her stuff everywhere.” So you know this started one of my infamous surveys to all of my male friends. I asked them 3 simple questions:
1. Does your significant other leave stuff at your house?
2. Do you mind that she does it?
3. Have you ever said something about it to her?
The answers were pretty consistent. Most men do not like it. And I asked a wide variety of guys the player types, the guys who have wifeys that they are serious about, middle aged men……They aint feelin it! One of my friends expressed a bit of bitterness saying that more and more of his girlfriend’s stuff ended up in his apartment which ultimately led up to them living together. He says he loves her but he wishes it was planned and not as forced. Many men believe women do this to “mark their territory”. Therefore if any other woman comes there she will see the belongings of another woman and think twice about what she is doing there.
One gentleman exclaimed, “A women I have been seeing for two years does that. She makes a point to leave her curling iron in a visible place in my bathroom. When she comes back and sees that I put it out of sight she gets all defensive and asks why I moved it. I tell her because I aint wanna look at it! And she says you mean that you aint want someone else to see it??? I just look at her like she is nuts!”
Contrary to what my man believes I didn’t intentionally leave my two items but his response did make me think? I trust him so I am not worried about other women being there. However, IF that wasn’t the case I am not about to leave stuff around to deter the next chick. If she’s in the crib my relationship is already f*cked and no amount of stuff I leave around is going to keep him from doing dirt.
My initial thought was why can’t I leave stuff at his place? Is it that serious? But then I played devil’s advocate and thought about it a bit more. I want him to know I respect his space and am not trying to monopolize it. Therefore I can understand why men may feel annoyed or leary when a woman leaves TOO much stuff at their house.
I know one thing….. when I cook and leave leftovers he sure as hell doesn’t mind THAT. Oh and the S.O. just called. He told me I left my fingernail polish remover too. Ohhh yeah…..that wasn’t an accident. I didn’t leave it in plain site though! It is in his bathroom closet. I told him I may need that the next time I am there. He just laughed and said his usual, “Babe it will be right where you left it when you come back.”
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