Posts Tagged ‘Funny’
Corporate AMERICA! There are just some classic moments at work. These days people are leaving left and right. Someone sent me this. THANK YOU! Just to give you background, this email was sent to over 30,000 people across this company! Talk about going out with a bang!
Well it is finally my turn to be sooo arrogant that I send a goodbye message to a HUGE alias thinking like more than 2 of them give a crap…wheeeeeeeeeeeee
Also, after finishing reading this please “reply all” with your warmest wishes so once again the other 99.9% of the people who could care less about you or I and happen to be on this alias have to see how nice you are to my goodbye and maybe we can get a email spam thread going (reply all – please remove me from this list……reply all – STOP replying all….) that will crash servers. If nothing else, it always provides hilarity to the 60% of us that are still part of a team. Anyway, I am hoping it is 60%, I had my days especially the last 5 years or so, where I would see people like or in place and think to myself…..nope we’ve gotten so big we are going for bottom 10% now.
On to the goodbye:
I have been here for 16 years (2 days)
And really enjoyed 15 of them, really worked 8, maybe 12 depending on your work ethic, of them, really believed in this company for 7.5 of them, really had some good times, but most importantly really met some great all around people, that helped to offset the buttheads I had to put up with other times, really wished HR never invented PC crap so people could have continued to call idiots…idiots; ooops I digress, we have a bigger HR than payroll staff so we all know what this company “cares” about.Today is my last day. I can receive your emails to my personal account or you can find me on facebook if you know me and have 2 brain cells to rub together.
If you don’t know me, too bad you missed out on a great guy (mwhahahahahaha), if you do know me, I’m sorry you had to put up with me, if you knew me before I hit my 10 year anniversary here and prior to the HR and PC jerkwads sucking all the fun or putting the FU in fun however you want to look at it, then we probably had some good times and feel free to contact me.
Speaking of anniversaries, I would just like to take this moment to really thank them from the bottom of my heart for giving me 3 GIANT Candles for 15 years of service, plus the huge plastic stand to go with them. You really let me know what I meant to the company with that one, and to whoever the nepotistic POS in HR is that got their uncle or cousin or whatever the monster paycheck for making giant candles for this company…..truly I wish you step in a pile of dog crap every day for a month!
With that goodbye, adieu, auvedersain….ok don’t know how to spell the rest of them. I’m out.
Now tell me that aint #hardinthepaint?!!!
I
woke up this morning (after a Saturday of pure laziness, minus actually getting my hair detangled and mixing up hopefully the perfect leave-in conditioner) to cold. Bitter cold. My thermometer says some 63 F, but that’s BS. I still haven’t received the official ok from my landlords to utilize the heat. Something bout it has to be checked each winter, for safety or some shit. I’m not trying to hear that. I’ve got on two pairs of socks, two shirts, and the warmest pajama pants I can find, and it is cold all up and through here. I thought hot air rises, but that doesn’t seem to be the case in this second floor apartment. If the laws of physics are true and that is not the case, I’d hate to be in the basement.
Yes, if you live north of I-20, this is the time of year for temperature shock. What is temperature shock, you say?
temperature shock (TEM’-per-uh’-cher shok)’: 1. waking up on a fall morning and experience the first hint of winter cold for the first time; 2. hell; 3. feels kind of like Bronson Pinchot’s crazy ass being chased down by The Langoliers combined with how McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) feels as he is choking Nurse Ratched.
I woke up this morning, and my ass was in temperature shock!
The typical reaction to temperature shock? I give you the Florida Evans expletive exclamation:
Don’t front. You know you do it, too.
Soon your only comfort will be tights, the seat warmers in your car, and some Matrix-esque winter coat.
Consider yourself forewarned.
You have read all about the BP Oil Spill Mess.
Well Our President Obama had to pop off and let people know he is doing his due diligence to get to the bottom of this BULLShyt.
Pop the HOOD:
Woooo Hooo. That Man was mad! Peep how he had to use hands to let this Chick know.
While, some people frown on cussing, the impact of a “curse word”, an expletive, by a Buppie brings an entirely different tone to things. It says, “I am not playing ANY MORE”, ” BITCH don’t ask no’ mo Questions.” and my most favorite “I GOT THIS.”
It works. (Just Don’t Cuss at Anyone. That doesn’t work.)
One time I had to break down to my boss, a situation where a team was not going after a business opportunity. I put it to him in many ways.
“They have failed to come to a conclusion early enough to provide a solution.”
“Their value proposition for this opportunity fell short. ”
He kept asking and asking. “UH? WHAT?”
Finally, I had to let my naggin ass boss know:
“Look, they realized they were fucked. It was too late to respond to the bid.”
He sure understood that right there.
Cuss. It works.
Once a year I take a trip to a “club” in Baltimore because one of my dear besties went to college out there. She has quite a few friends and folk she bangs with. So this year I do my check list activity and tag along.
Rolling to Baltimore is totally different than rolling in D.C. We bups kindly partake because the dress code is always much more relaxed compared to D.C.
Some Shyt is about to Go DOWN!!!!
We head out on our hour long drive. I’m in charge of the GPS. We get closer to the address, and next thing we hear is: “Turn RIGHT on Martin Luther King BLVD.”
The entire car of buppie chicks says “WHAT THE FUCK!”
Hate that it is true, but it seems that streets named Martin Luther King are great indications of HOOD.
We pull up and right away the spot looks uber sketchy. *Deep Sigh.* This joint was not IT.
We were there for a birthday party. The Birthday boy was like a walking sprinkler head. Any minute he was going to upchuck, and we ran every time we saw him get near us. He could barely open his eyes, he was so drunk. Would be cool acceptable if he was turning fresh 21. But naaw, he was clearly turning 26. o_O
There were also a few other people celebrating birthday’s. One was 250 + LBS, 4’10 young lady with coochie cutters on. She would dance with any guy head down ass up. The amount of dimples on her thighs were enough to make a Somalian think twice about devouring his next meal. She was clearly out of her mind drunk as well. She had a movie star cheesy party city theme at a “grown folks” establishment. (I say that loosely). Where were we? Chucky Cheese?
Then there is the hair.*Deep Sigh* Baltimore is one of those places where I do not understand why this is good look?
Lie to you not, 3 women looked like that in the club.
Beyond the fact that this spot was errr NOT IT, I just do not like places like this. The main reason is because I fear violence breaking out. I get extremely paranoid and agitated. I swear people were way too drunk and way too comfortable. It was crazy packed, super dark, and HOT! An Effin SWEAT BOX! A Bad combo for black folks.
Well given this predicament and the fact that I did not drive, I had to wait it out. No drinking, because they had one Credit card machine for the 3 floor establishment. Meaning, if you bought a drink on one floor without the credit machine, some runner would come take your card to the floor that had it, and run it back up. #identitytheft
I found a spot by the bar and EXIT. I just sat my ass down till the other chicks were ready to leave. Needless to say I won’t be venturing to spots like this EVER AGAIN.
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